After 24 years of marriage, my husband, whom I became even closer to during the last few years, told me he didn't love me anymore---and doubted if he ever had loved me, right before starting my 12 night shift as a cardiac care nurse. Oh, he tried to re-assure that it wasn't me that caused his feelings, he was tired of going thru the motions of life- without emotions, he said that "one day I would thank him"!!! I went to war with my mind and heart. It repeated the childhood feelings of not being good enough or wanted, what was wrong with me??? Well, within a month, I lost 30# from not eating or sleeping, lost my job 3 mos. later from frequently missing work. My husband took me to a lawyer and forced a settlement agreement because he was leaving for Texas with another women. I felt that I was living a corny country song! My sons were in college, I was alone! My home that had felt like a sanctuary , began collapsing it's walls of memories on me. These memories were suffocating me everywhere I went in a town that I grew up in-- and lived in with my husband,-- I had to get out. I sold my home without any profit, to help with the unsurmounting bills Don left me with. They repossessed my car and his boat. It was like Don was on the moon, because the courts came after me, not him for retribution. I got an agency critical care nursing position that took me out of my vicinity of comfort--traveling to 20 hospitals in cities that I didn't know how to find--especially in the night in a car that my mom had to help me get. I found an apartment in between the cities I worked and where home had been, but I felt like a transient, unsettled. I missed home--I missed my life!!!
What good became of the sky falling? I began to re-discover who I was, what I liked--and did not. I took time for me, did nice things for me, realized that I was a good person. I listen to motivational- inspirational tapes on the way to and from work and read the same during free time. Marrianne Williamson, from the "Course of Miriacles", became one of my mentors. I became closer to God, knowing that the only way to get through this was to give it up to Him, to trust in Him to take care of things. My sons were my rocks, all my family rallied with support. Good does come from bad, and strength from adversity. What else was starting to build was --disease--that comes from dis-ease!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
In the beginning
They say that your past can shape who you are, but you have control to shape who you will become. I have tried to keep that in mind to help me recreate the person I want to be, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get on with life until I took my foot out of the past. We all have had negative aspects in our lives that haunt us and can suck us back into negative reactions to current triggers. At that point, we need to stop and think what causes us --from our past to react in such a way,---then let it go--it is over! We can handle this situation in a more healthy for us manor! This is why I have included a brief synopsis of my past for consideration that it probably contributed to the cancer I am dealing with today. Stress is said to "eat at you like a cancer"
I was raised by a physically and mentally abusive, very strict, step-father. (Whom -I have to add, has been sober and kinder in the last 25 yrs.) I learned to listen to what he said and not what he did. My childhood consisted of being a "Dear Abby" for my parents, cleaning food off walls, watching two younger brothers, being the housecleaner, the gardener, and accompany my dad from bar to bar instead of being able to play like other children. My sometimes escape was riding my bike for long distances. I ran away from home the first time at the age of 15, right after my biological father died in a car accident. I was told that I would not be able to attend his funeral, and listened of him being run down as usual. The few times that I left home, it was always to a friends house or my church's minister. I knew that there would be more for me in the future if I made right choices in life and did adequate in school. The last big escape from home was when I agreed to an insisting boyfriend to marry at a young age of 18. Don was the only boyfriend that my dad approved of, so thus my only boyfriend. I knew that we would be living out of state because he was in the service, so it was my way out. I had my first son at 19, my second at 22 yrs. old. We were back in Ohio, and life took over. Don was not an alcoholic, but he had the personality of one. He was always angry and verbally fighting with the boys or me. I believed him when he said it was related to his plumbing business, of which I was not allowed to be privy too. There was also a couple of cheating incidents by him that I weathered through, inspite of always wondering why my husband didn't want me, not even my kisses. So the boys and I just did our things, and it was a good life in my mind, it was all I knew. I loved being an involved mom, it has been the highlight of my life! I went back to college and became first an EMT-A, then a Paramedic, and finally an RN. I worked at a near-by hospital, and probably would have stayed there forever, if I wasn't faced with my first earth-shattering life change that I will go into with my next blog. Change---if you don't go along with it, it will bowl you over!
I was raised by a physically and mentally abusive, very strict, step-father. (Whom -I have to add, has been sober and kinder in the last 25 yrs.) I learned to listen to what he said and not what he did. My childhood consisted of being a "Dear Abby" for my parents, cleaning food off walls, watching two younger brothers, being the housecleaner, the gardener, and accompany my dad from bar to bar instead of being able to play like other children. My sometimes escape was riding my bike for long distances. I ran away from home the first time at the age of 15, right after my biological father died in a car accident. I was told that I would not be able to attend his funeral, and listened of him being run down as usual. The few times that I left home, it was always to a friends house or my church's minister. I knew that there would be more for me in the future if I made right choices in life and did adequate in school. The last big escape from home was when I agreed to an insisting boyfriend to marry at a young age of 18. Don was the only boyfriend that my dad approved of, so thus my only boyfriend. I knew that we would be living out of state because he was in the service, so it was my way out. I had my first son at 19, my second at 22 yrs. old. We were back in Ohio, and life took over. Don was not an alcoholic, but he had the personality of one. He was always angry and verbally fighting with the boys or me. I believed him when he said it was related to his plumbing business, of which I was not allowed to be privy too. There was also a couple of cheating incidents by him that I weathered through, inspite of always wondering why my husband didn't want me, not even my kisses. So the boys and I just did our things, and it was a good life in my mind, it was all I knew. I loved being an involved mom, it has been the highlight of my life! I went back to college and became first an EMT-A, then a Paramedic, and finally an RN. I worked at a near-by hospital, and probably would have stayed there forever, if I wasn't faced with my first earth-shattering life change that I will go into with my next blog. Change---if you don't go along with it, it will bowl you over!
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